I’ve never made a secret of my love of CBeebies – the bright colours, the cheery outlook on life, the ability to entertain my child whilst I eat a Twix, have a shower and do the ironing* all at the same time. I was also a big lover of Smash Hits back in the day, particularly for their hard-hitting, insightful interviews of the pop stars du jour. I mean sure, teenagers these days may be able to tweet One Direction but do they know what Brian Harvey’s favourite biscuit is?
So in a fit a misguided creativity in the early hours of this morning I decided to combine the two and interview some CBeebies’ faves using Smash Hits’ infamous questions. First up is the practically perfect and not at all smug Joy Odell (you know the mum from Topsy and Tim) answering questions posed to Bananarama during the 80s because that was the first things that came up when I googled Smash Hits interview questions.
1 When you were twelve what did you want to be?
Looking back I think I always wanted to be the best mother I could be but if you’d asked me at the time I would have probably said exotic dancer, which was pretty ambitious for a vicar’s daughter with one leg short than the other but like I always say to Topsy and Tim “you can be anything, if you close your eyes and dream”.
Luckily for me my dream became a reality and that’s actually how Brian and I met. Most people don’t realise that Brian’s business Happy Coaches is so called because they’re peddlers of filth. Most of their business is taking people on tours of the strip joints of Hatcham. So there I was minding my own business, gyrating round a pole when Brian walks in and let’s just say it was love at first fiver slipped in my g-string.
2. If you were an animal what animal would you be?
A horse. I like big cocks.
3. Did you enjoy being pregnant?
Absolutely. What’s not to love about varicose veins on your vulva? Although the birth does mean I can no longer shoot ping pong balls out my vag which was always a winning party trick on new year.
4. Did you enjoy covering naked men with your bat wings?
How did you hear about that? I knew that video had done the rounds of the PTA.
5. When did you realise you were famous?
When you asked me the above question.
6. Don’t you get on each others’ nerves a lot?
I’ll let you into the secret of my endless patience and good humour. Valium. Not for me (I’ve been drug free since 2003) but for the twins. Trust me, it’s the only way to chill those mother-f***ers out.
7. Is there life on other planets?
Absolutely. Why else do you think they had to fake the moon landing?
8. How often do you wash your hair?
Every day. Sometimes more if Bri has jizzed in it.
9. While walking along a desert beach you spot a couple making love, do you stay and watch?
Funnily enough that’s how Brian and I met Tony Welch’s parents so I can hand on heart say I’ve known Tony since conception.
10. Will you ever make a feature film?
With the Welchs? It’s always a possibility – from what I could see they are both very passionate and gentle lovers so filming with them could only be a magical experience.
Thanks Joy – it’s been an education.
If you’re reading this in 6 months times then yes this was the first sign that I was losing my mind. In the meantime if you have any suggestions for my next In Conversation With… then send them over.
*This is a lie – I never do any ironing, just ask my mum