So this week I finally stopped being a mother of a newborn probably* for the last time as the Newbie hit 13 weeks. Apparently in a few years time I’ll mourn the end of this period and start commenting to people who dare to complain even a teensy bit about how difficult life with a new baby can be that it “goes so fast” and they should “cherish every moment”. Until that lobotomy, however, I’m pretty blimming relieved this first twelve weeks is over.
Not that I’ve been able to celebrate as the Child has been hit by the pox (chicken not small #smallwins). Needless to say there hasn’t been much sleep, fresh air or general levels of sanity this week. But at least I’ve had plenty of time to think (yay – just what an anxious over-thinker needs) and so I thought I’d mark the passing of this first twelve weeks of the Newbie’s life with a very helpful guide of everything you need to know about having a newborn. Except my brain is total mush at the moment (see point 9) so I’ve picked some of my fellow bloggers brains for their pearls of wisdom as well.
1. You will literally be the most tired you’ve ever felt
Think of the time when you were most tired you’ve ever been, like when you went to Magaluf and basically didn’t sleep or eat properly for a week and you looked and smelled so rough on the flight home that people actually requested to move seats on the airplane to get away from you? Doesn’t even come close to how tired you’re feel after one week of parenting a newborn. You’re screwed basically but you’ll cope. Just.
2. Sleep when the baby sleeps is a crock of shite
Often the first piece of ‘advice’ given to sleep deprived parents but actually totally unachievable if you also have a bladder that needs emptying and you like to eat occasionally. Even if you do have a newborn that likes a long afternoon kip (you’re a bastard and I hate you) the chances of you being able to sleep on demand are slim. You might as well accept defeat and set-up a Mummy Blog.
3. Biscuits and chocolate are a perfectly acceptable meal
In fact if you’re breastfeeding oats are really good for your supply and chocolate Hobnobs are much easier to eat one handed than porridge.
4. Your standard of what constitutes a good level of personal hygiene will plummet
Showers will be a luxury, Febreezing clothes is quicker than washing them and you’ll probably end up sleeping on towels rather than change your baby vom soaked sheets.
Top tip- if you let baby sick dry in your hair you can brush it right out.
5. Baby wipes will become your go-to cleaning item
Just make sure you don’t use the one you’ve just wiped bub’s arse with. Or do – I won’t judge.
6. Trust your instincts
The reason everyone’s advice seems to contradict each other is because no one really knows what the hell they’re talking about from one baby to the next. Sure it might be worth trying what worked for your Great Aunt Nelly but if something doesn’t feel right for you then don’t be afraid to give it the finger.
7. If you’re breastfeeding strangers will see your boobs
Even if you’re not just whack your baps out occasionally anyway just for shits and giggles.
8. You can tell visitors to bugger off
9. Your brain will turn into mush
Case in point it just took me ten minutes to realise that ‘perfectably’ is not a word.
And finally, number 10 is the most important thing to remember:
10. It is ok not to enjoy every minute of it
Sometimes having a newborn is amazing, sometimes it’s shit and sometimes it’s both at the same time. You are not a bad parent for not feeling #blessed every second of the day and it is perfectably (see what I did there) fine to moan about it all without feeling guilty. Or as a wise Whinge Whinge Wine once said:
“It’s ok to want to throw them out the window, it’s not ok to do it.”
Happy newborn parenting everyone.
Big up to the following for helping me compile this list:
The Incidental Parent
Pass the Prosecco Please
Chilling With Lucas
Mouse Moo & Me Too
The Unsung Mum
Beauties and the Bibs
Candyfloss & Dreams
*I say probably because if I’ve learned anything over the last few months it’s that making plans is a mug’s game