When I was pregnant with the Child I discovered yoga. Before that I’d always had a “just give me all the drugs and get this baby out of me” attitude to labour. But pregnancy yoga completely changed my approach. In fact the only times I’ve been called relaxed in my life was when pushing a human out my frou frou. Anyway, since having The Newbie and my life taking an unexpected wtf path #plottwist I’ve turned to yoga to help me relax and give me those rock hard abs of my youth*. Luckily for me my fabulous pregnancy yoga teacher also does yoga for those who aren’t heavily wombed so I know I’m in good hands.
I’ve been going for four or five weeks now and whilst I do love it (especially the bit at the end where you lie under a blanket for ten minutes) I’ve noticed that there are ten key types of people who attend yoga classes. So in case you’re tempted into a Downward Dog (not a euphemism) or you’re a regular frequenter of the Half Lord of the Fishes (not a euphemism) here’s my guide to the ten people you’ll always meet at yoga.
NB. I’ve been at least seven of these sometimes all in the same class.
1 The Over-achiever
Goes to yoga five times a week so their body is sinewy perfection. Possibly a robot.
2 The Show-off
Been going to yoga for four weeks, managed to hold the plank for 10 seconds so now believes they’re a yoga guru. Seen hobbling on crutches later the same day.
3 The Glamourous
Always has perfect hair, make-up and nails. Possibly a robot.
4 The Farter
In through their nose, out through their arse.
5 The Balanced Lifestyler
Bounces in expelling the virtues of only drinking lemon and blueberry infused shark tear water and eating a raw food diet. Found ten minutes after class buying a steak bake in Greggs.
6 The Hot Flush
7 The Cynic
Week one – rolls their eyes at the chanting and lion’s breath
Week two – booked a month long yoga retreat and greets everyone with a Namaste
8 The Napper
Falls asleep during Savasana. Often heard snoring.
9 The Uncoordinated
Always has the slight whiff of panic, flails wildly and doesn’t know left from right. If you can’t think who is The Uncoordinated in your class then it’s you.
10 The Instagrammer
Only there for photos. They’ll photoshop in a beach background later. #yogaselfie
*I’ve never had rock hard abs. Woe.