The Newbie turned eight weeks this week which I think means he is two thirds of the way through. Apparently when he hits 12 weeks he’ll start sleeping through, stop vomming so much and start shaving. He’ll also no longer be classed as a newborn and, I’m assuming, will be known as an oldborn, which seems a bit harsh and indicative of the ageist culture we now live in. Anyway, I digress. What I’m trying to say is now that I’m on the home straight of mothering a newborn I can reflect on all the things I forgot about this phase. So if you’re sprogged up with number two or twenty-two (don’t you have a telly?) or you’re contemplating adding to your brood of ferals let me remind you of ten things you probably won’t remember about having a newborn:
1 What noisy sleepers they are
Whoever invented the phrase ‘sleep like a baby’ is a tit. Firstly babies don’t sleep. Well mine don’t *sob*. Secondly babies are the loudest most irritating sleepers ever. If the Newbie isn’t grunting, he’s farting/ snoring/ singing Italian operas. And the worst thing is even if they do occasionally stop making those noises you still won’t sleep because you have to check they’re breathing every twenty seconds.
2. What they can and cannot sleep through makes no sense
The Newbie can sleep soundly through cavity wall insulation being fitted around him but if you attempt to take a sock off within a three mile radius he will wake up and you will pay.
3. How many outfits they’ll get through
This morning the Newbie had been sick on an outfit before I even got it over his head.
4. They’re easier to look after than pre-schoolers
Your newborn has no crafting, baking or playing expectations of you. They also can’t answer back or put their trousers on backwards.
5. They’re harder to look after than pre-schoolers
CBeebies has no power over these youngsters thereby rendering my parenting style useless.
6. They laugh at your routine
Oh you’re going to use the Gina Ford method?
7. They learn to smile just at the right moment
So evolution might not have led to us laying eggs just yet (it would be so much easier right?) but it’s cracked the perfect time for babies to start smiling. Just when you think you can’t take another vom-poo-scream-fest they crack out that gummy grin and all is forgiven. For now.
8. Cleaning fat flaps* is hard
So many rolls of skin so little time.
9. It takes 0.25 seconds for them to go from perfectly fine to ape shit
“Ah look at him sleeping so peaceful…”
10. You don’t always know when they’ve vomited on you
And even when you do you don’t really care anymore.
*I’m referring to the Newbie’s fat flaps – mine are always squeaky clean and minty fresh