Remember before you had kids and there was no arguments over who got a lie-in at the weekend because you both did? Remember how we took each and every lie-in for granted and still complained we were tired at work on Monday? Remember how people with children used to look like they wanted to punch us in the face every time we did moan? Those truly were the glory days.
Now a lie-in is a strongly contested, highly negotiated weapon of parental control. Ending wars have required less diplomacy than agreeing who gets to sleep in passed 6.30am on Saturday. And even when it is your glorious day to stay in bed the lie-in doesn’t quite go as smoothly as it did pre-kids.
Presenting my guide to the parent lie-in.
6.20am: Both ignore clearly awake child for ten minutes. Remind your other half it is their turn to get up with said child. Brandish the 12-point treaty drawn-up last night as proof.
6.30am: Shove other half out of bed and in direction of child. Check time and silently fume that it is at least an hour later than when it was your turn to get up last week.
6.32am: Block out screams of “I want Mummy/ Daddy”, which changes depending on who is having the lie-in.
6.40am: Try to get back to sleep. Realise you need the toilet.
6.45am: Get back into bed, attempt to ignore the deafening noise downstairs and go back to sleep. Swear you never make so much noise when it’s your turn to get up (you do).
7.00am: Give up trying to sleep but decide to enjoy a cup of tea in bed. Text other half to make you one.
7.30am: Still without tea and half dying of thirst decide to get up and make your own tea. Get stuck talking to your child for twenty minutes about where poo comes from, why your chin is hairy and what exactly is love.
7.50am: Finally get back upstairs with your now cold tea and decide to faff around on your phone. Realise phone is downstairs.
8.00am: Try to sneak downstairs to retrieve phone unseen. Get spotted by child. Quickly build Lego pirate ship, complete a 30 piece jigsaw puzzle and choreograph a Taylor Swift-esque dance routine.
8.30am: Give up on lie-in, be grumpy all day and think of ways to get your revenge on child when they’re a teenager.