Pregnancy Questions: A Glossary of Handy Responses

If you’re pregnant or ever have been you’ll know that as soon as you present with a laden womb you can’t avoid the barrage of questions from every Tom, Dick and Harry (or more likely Jane, Debs and Sheila). I don’t know if it’s the fact I’ve been pregnant for 47 years or the heat but my tolerance of these questions is now zero, actually sub-zero. But not being one to just sit round and moan (I lie, I totally am one to sit round and moan, it’s basically all I’ve got right now) I thought I’d compile a glossary of handy responses to those well-meaning/impertinent/actually none of your business person I’ve never met pregnancy questions and comments:

1. You must be suffering in this heat

Luckily I wasn’t born but forged in the brimstones of hell so it feels like a home from home.

2. Wow, you’re so big

That’s what she said.

3. Should you be eating that?

Say that again and I’ll eat you.

4. Should you drinking?

Should you be breathing?

5. Still pregnant?

Still a dick?

6. Do you know what you’re having?

Thor.

7. Can I touch your bump?

Sure, now can I lick your face?

8. You chose to get pregnant not me

Well you chose to be a twat so I guess we’re both dealing with each other’s issues today.

9. You shouldn’t complain, it’s such a precious time.

Would you like to see my haemorrhoids?

10. Are you having any more?

Fuck off.

Not that I’m grumpy or anything.

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