Month-by-Month Guide to Pregnancy

As you may know I’ve recently hit my one year blogiversary and I am absolutely fuming that I still haven’t been given my own book deal. It’s a travesty when I have so much wisdom to give. But like I read on some poorly written inspirational meme on Facebook, you have to create you’re own opportunities (I’ve paraphrased and corrected the grammar because the misuse of apostrophe’s will not be tolerated on this blog). So I’ve decided to start writing my own guide to pregnancy. Below is the rough sketch of it, I’ll obviously add in a few more pictures of ‘me’ and ‘my bump’ silhouetted on the beach, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia and BAM, I’ll have myself a book. Oh no wait, I’ve started quoting Friends again.

Anyway you get the picture. Hook me up with a book deal yeh?

Month 1

In all likelihood you won’t know you’re pregnant, which is mainly because for about half of it you’re not actually pregnant. Weird huh? You’ll feel guilty looking back at this month because of all the alcohol, under-cooked beef and swordfish you consumed.

Month 2

This is the month you’ll probably find out you are pregnant. You’ll spend the next few weeks Googling one of two things:

1. Why don’t I feel pregnant?

2. Why is this baby trying to kill me?

Month 3

First baby = “Oh I’m definitely looking pregnant, especially if I arch my back and push out my stomach like this.

Second baby = “Dear God, how am I so huge? How can I possibly hide I’m pregnant from my boss? Why has my belly button popped already?”

Month 4

The scan, the announcement, the realisation that you’re only halfway through and that morning sickness doesn’t disappear in the second trimester.

Month 5

You may or may not find out if you’re having a boy or girl. Conversations will go one of two ways:

STRANGER: Congratulations, do you know what you’re having?

YOU: Yes, it’s a boy/girl.

STRANGER: I don’t know what the obsession is with finding out these days, I was just happy knowing I was having a healthy baby.

Or

STRANGER: Congratulations, do you know what you’re having?

YOU: No, we want it to be a surprise.

STRANGER: A surprise? Well I think that’s silly, you’d think a baby would be surprise enough.

You learn that as a parent you will literally never do anything right. And don’t get me started on people discussing the sex of your second, third or ninety-sixth baby.

Month 6

You’ll spend 50% of your time worried that the baby isn’t moving and 50% wishing it would stop kicking the crap out of you.

Pregnancy guide
Just chilling, probably naked, looking out to sea.

Month 7

You’re blooming. You look great. You look tired. Are you ok? Wow you’re tiny. Omg you’re so big. Have you dropped? Is there definitely only one in there? Should you be eating that? You’re pregnant not ill.

Month 8

Nesting. Also known as the time you buy shit you don’t need.

Month 9

Still pregnant…

Labour

May the odds be forever in your favour

This has bestseller written all over it.

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