Hospital bags – I didn’t give mine much thought last time but for many mums-to-be they seem to be a source of much anxiety. How many suitcases is too many? Should I pack my slow cooker and a six pack of beer? Will the baby need two or three Coming Home Outfits? As you know I like to be helpful and as now, according to my maternity notes, I’m an “experienced mother” (ha) I thought I’d share with you a checklist of what you don’t need in your hospital bag. Turns out though I couldn’t think of ten (why couldn’t I have called myself ‘and another five things’?) so I roped in some of my fellow bloggers to share some of their pearls of wisdom too.
1. Make Up Bag
I’ve got to agree with this suggestion from Mouse Moo and Me Too. I’m not much of a make-up wearer at the best of times (can’t be arsed) but I wore precisely zero immediately post-labour. And do you know what? No one who visited me in the hospital or saw photos of me from then gasped in horror, vomited in their handbags or expired on their chaise lounge at the sight of my naked face. And do you know why? Because, and I’m sorry to break this to you sweet cheeks, when that baby comes no one gives a crap about you. They wouldn’t notice if you painted your face blue or wore a gimp mask. You’re old news so give your face a break and go au natural.
2. Jade Eggs
Apparently great for detoxing your frou frou, these hit the headlines when Gwyneth Paltrow recommended them for increasing “chi (?), orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general (??).” Trust me, after you’ve given birth a vaginal exorcism would be more welcome than a cleanse.
3. Fitness DVD
Whinge Whinge Wine has got the right idea with this one – the only burpee you’ll have time for is the one that comes right after milky and before sicky.
4. Birth Control
Would you picnic in a war zone?
5. Sexy Underwear
Look I’m going to level with you. Nothing immediately post-labour is sexy. You want big ass pants not a lacy thong as The Unsung Mum agrees. Don’t add a yeast infection to your already battered lady garden.
6. Selfie Stick
Ballsy Mama is right – you may think you want a crowning shot but you don’t. Honestly there are no filters for that and once you see it you cannot unsee it. Ever.
7. Non-maternity clothes
You’re going to be relying on those stretchy waistbands for a few more weeks, months, years yet.
8. Parenting Book
I attempted to read two parenting books as soon as the Child was born – the first said I was doing everything wrong, the second everything right. They’re bullshit plus reading anything with a newborn is impossible because they’re so bloody needy.
9. Panty Liners
You’re going to need a bigger boat.
10. Posh Baby Clothes
Totally pointless for two reasons. One, have you ever tried to wrestle a newborn into a sailor suit? Two, they will shit on it.
Now go forth and pack that bag.