Ten Reasons I Envy Toddlers

It is becoming increasingly apparent that adulting is rubbish. It’s all bills and high cholesterol and work-life balance. I can’t help looking at toddlers and thinking they’re the ones doing it right. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I’m am completely and utterly jealous of my daughter and her life. Toddlers have definately got the sweet end of this life deal. Don’t believe me, then check out the top tne reasons why I envy toddlers:

1. They can take their clothes off at any point

For about a week the Child decided she didn’t want to wear a top and no one batted an eyelid. In fact people thought it was cute, yet when I did it in Sainsbury’s there was a big hoo-ha over my hoo-has*.

2. They can dress as a princess whenever they like

Speaking of clothes (or lack of) how is it fair that the Child can wear her princess dress whenever she likes but I can’t wear my wedding dress to my 6-month probationary work review?

3. They get praised for pooping

I took the Child to see the Doctor this week to get some magic powder to help her poop. We got our hands on the elixir of shit but the GP also told me we had to basically throw roses at the Child in exaltation every time she did a poop. I mean, wtf? I was literally so constipated in early pregnancy that I nearly fainted busting out a turd but where was my standing ovation?

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4. They get paid to visit relatives

When I was little my Nan gave me £5 every time I saw her, now she gives the Child £10. Firstly, how’s that for inflation and secondly where’s my bag of silver Nan?

5. Bribery is king

We get so desperate for toddlers to do perfectly reasonable stuff that we give them good stuff in return. That’s why I haven’t cleaned the bathroom for three weeks – no one has offered me chocolate buttons, an hour of Scooby Doo and a bottle of bubbles.

6. Everyone forgives their tantrums

I know someone who, when they were a child used to wet themselves on purpose during tantrums to get their own way. Her parents still love her but I bet if I did that whenever my Mum asked me to do something I didn’t like I wouldn’t get invited back for Christmas.

7. Their parties are fun

Children’s parties involve a bouncy castle, an obscene amount of pork-based products and a mountain of presents. Adult parties involve awkward small talk, teeny tiny canapes and 3-day hangovers.

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8. Their farts are funny

Your child lets rip during a wedding ceremony and everyone’s in hysterics. I do it and suddenly I’ve got an “attitude problem”.

9. They don’t compromises

Toddlers do not negotiate. On anything. As adults we have to compromise or we’re twats.

10. Their money is their own

Apparently it’s not the done thing to keep 50% of all birthday/Christmas/random treat money as a birthing tax yet I’m expected to hand over half of what I earn for someone to roll my child around in dirt and germs for 9 hours a day. How is that fair?

*random aside, I now can’t get The Smiths’ line “let me get my hands on your mammary glands” from Handsome Devil out of my head.

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