Sex, Butt Plugs and Dancing Round a Pole: Your Ultimate Valentine’s Gift Guide

So you may have noticed the world’s gone a bit…
Trump Apocalypse
…recently but that’s no excuse to forget to buy your beloved a present to demonstrate how much you love him/ her as dictated by the greetings card and gift industry. Luckily for you, after our stonkingly successful Secret Santa Gift Guide, Fran from Whinge Whinge Wine and I have once again teamed up to bring you the ultimate Valentine’s guide to make sure the night goes with a:

Give something special 
Forget chocolates and flowers; let your partner know you’re really thinking of them by giving them something they’ll love. Vincent Van Gogh famously cut off his ear and offered it to a prostitute as a gift (answering that age old question – what do you give a woman who has everything?), but you don’t need to go that far. With this kit you can simply clone your appendage; add batteries and off you go. It even glows in the dark like a real penis.

 

If you have ladybits instead, why not give him or her a hint of the night they have in store with a vagina lollipop? (Although according to the reviews, it isn’t as realistic as some were hoping. So bear that in mind).

or an edible anus? Mmmm, chocolatey.


Do the little things
It’s not all about grand gestures. Being a considerate partner goes a long way towards not waking up and finding all your pants shredded and your belongings thrown out on to the front garden. Remembering to switch the washing machine on, picking your towels off of the floor, changing the loo roll when it’s goddamn finished and taking out the bins without being asked forty seven times all go down nicely, and not just on St Valentine’s Day.

 

Or perhaps, popping one of these in your under-crackers to show you care?

 

Bring breakfast in bed
A hot cup of tea and jam on toast in bed is a thoughtful touch that can endear you to your partner and start the perfect Valentine’s Day off nicely (make sure you wash up though or you might live to regret it). If your partner has been a bit of a knob lately, you can always include this subtle mug to remind them to stop being a dick.



Laugh together
It’s true what they say; couples that laugh together, stay together. Humour relieves stress; having a good old belly laugh makes you feel better, and in turn you’ll probably be a bit nicer to your partner. Go and see a funny film, or if you prefer, perhaps stay in and watch Youtube videos of cats falling off things; whatever makes you giggle and delivers those feel-good endorphins.

However, if you have had one or several natural births and your pelvic floor isn’t what it used to be, laughter can be a dangerous business. Treat yourself or your pissy pants partner to something practical this Valentine’s Day.

 

Take some time out to spend together
Keeping the romance alive when you have two small children is no mean feat. Try an electronics free evening – or if that seems a bit hard, these pants for couples mean can get on with your daily family life whilst enjoying that quality ‘us’ time we all crave.

 

Write a love letter
Sexting may be all the rage these days, but why not go old school and put pen to paper? After all, the written word has a timeless appeal. Don’t feel awkward; have a glass or four of vino and say whatever is in your heart. Or, if what’s in your heart is ‘you’re a bit fat these days but I still want to shag you’ then this book will do just nicely. Although if you do buy that, then don’t be surprised if next year you end up with the twat mug above.

 

Go dancing
Get those feet (and the rest of you) out on the dance floor and shake your thing! Another way to get those endorphins flowing is to work up a bit of a sweat, and how better to do it than a couple’s dance class? Or how about installing one of these whilst your lady love is out at work?

 

Get into the nude and into the mood
Nothing says romance like a post-coital yeast infection certain to be caused by this sexy number (curiously catalogued under ‘clothing’). Although I’m not sure if they come in pregnant lady size.

 

Or try your luck with these crackers! Every box comes with a vibrating tongue ring apparently (but no word on whether it’s dishwasher friendly) and very importantly, they are made in the UK.

And if you’re single…
Why not treat yourself this book to remind yourself of what really matters. Also makes a great present for your recently single mate.

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