Back in July I wrote (stretching the concept of writing – it was mainly emojis) a hilarious (again stretching the meaning a little) account of the Child’s potty training escapades. I’d like to tell you that 6 months later we’ve got it all sorted. But we haven’t. Sure, the Child doesn’t pee herself anymore but pooping is another matter. And whilst I’m eternally grateful she’s got over her ‘pooing in the nappy and then trying to hide it in the bookshelves’ phase I just wish she would shit in the toilet already. Especially as come this July she’ll have a baby brother or sister* shitting themselves round the clock and I am not changing two lots of stinky nappies.
So, what have I done this week to encourage Ivy to loosen her bowels on the porcelain throne. Bought her a lovely book about Annie learning to use the toilet? Created a colourful reward chart? Bribed her to within an inch of her life with chocolate buttons? No, don’t be silly – I’ve rewritten Dr Seuss’ Oh the Places You’ll Go so it’s about pooping. Productive.
Oh the Places You’ll Go!
Today is your day.
You’re off to the toilet!
You’re off and away
You have faeces in your bowel.
You have pants on your bum.
You could steer your poo
down the toilet with aplomb
You’re on your own. And you’ll do what you do.
And YOU are the girl who’ll decide where to poo
You’ll look up and down toilets. Look ’em over with care.
And some you will say, “I don’t choose to got there.”
With you pants full of bum and your bowel full of poo
You’re too smart to sit down on any not-so-good loo.
And you may not find any
You’ll want to explore.
In that case, of course,
you’ll do it straight on the floor.
It’s opener there
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as poopy
and incontinent as you.
And then things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just strain right along
and you’ll push out a poo.
THE PLACE YOU’LL POO!
You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be pooping out of sight!
You’ll join the loo-trained fliers
who defecate from great heights.
You won’t lag behind, your bowels have the speed
You’ll pass a whole movement down the loo so take heed.
Where you poop, you’ll be the best of the best
wherever you fart, you’ll out smell the rest.
Except when you don’t.
Because sometimes you won’t.
I’m sorry to say so
but sadly, it’s true
that near misses
with floor pisses
can happen to you.
You’ll get all brown sticky
in your brand new pjs.
And you’ll forget about toilet
pooping for days upon days.
You’ll back away from the potty
with an unpleasant bump
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll forget how to dump.
and when you can’t dump,
you’re not in for much fun.
Un-dumping yourself is not easily done.
You’ll come to a place, where the poo just won’t come.
Some farts are promising but mostly it’s just constipation.
A place you could sprain both blood vessel and arse skin
Do you dare to push out? Do you dare it to stay in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you do push, should you push long or short
or in little short bursts? Or maybe that’ll will hurt?
Or go back and sneak in at night?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will see
For a constipated toddler to find some relief.
You’ll get so desperate
that you’ll start to race
poo down long wiggled roads at a diarrhea dangerous pace
And strain for miles on miles just to cross to relief giving space,
but headed I fear towards a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…
…for people just waiting.
Waiting for the poo to plop
for the urge to go, for the stool to drop
for the strain to go, for the dump to slop
for the worry to go, for the shit to flop
or waiting around for a nugget or not
or waiting for their cramps to stop.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for their cheeks to squeeze
or waiting for their bum to appease
or waiting around for their colon to sneeze
or waiting, perhaps, to swoosh round the bend
or the drought to break, or the grip to end
or a full release or a tiny sliver
or a humongous beast or a poo having shiver.
Everyone is just waiting.
That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where the bidets fountains are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you’ll poo good!
Ready for anything inside your gut.
Ready to properly dispose of your food.
Oh, the places you’ll poo! There is shit to be done!
There are toilets to be flushed. There are stickers to be won.
And the magical things you can do on that loo
will make you the pooing-est pooer, that’s true.
Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole family watching via Skype on TV.
Except when the don’t.
Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that some times
you’ll poo won’t go where it’s meant
not in the bowl
not to the toilet you went.
In the bed!
Whether you like it or not,
In the bed
you’ll poo quite a lot.
Go in the bed, there’s a very good chance
you’ll without a doubt stain your new pants.
There are some poos down the road between hither and yon,
that will smell so much you won’t want to go on.
But toilet-trained you will be
though the stink be foul.
Toilet-trained you will be
though your dung does prowl.
Toilet-trained you will be
though your bum rash does howl.
Onward down many
a frightening creek,
thought your sphincter may get sore
and your pull-ups may leak.
On and on you will push:
And I know you’ll push far
and bum up to the toilet
wherever you are.
You’ll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
between receptacles as you go.
So be sure when you crap.
Crap with care and great tact
and remember that nappy pooping’s
an unnecessary act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your poo with your chocolate spread.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed)
Kid you’ll defecate mountains!
be your poo mahogany, chestnut or tan
or burnt sienna fuzzy wuzzy brown,
you’re off to toilet-training!
Today is your day!
Your throne is waiting.
So…shit on it your way.
*did you miss my touching yet witty refreshingly original pregnancy announcement? Well check it out here.