When I was a child I had an overactive imagination. I was always compiling outlandish scenarios and worlds that I would reenact, write in stories or play in my head just as I was falling asleep. As I got older my favourite daydreams were ones based on books or TV shows. I would create alternative versions of the stories I loved that included me as a character. Some of them were pretty good – Harry Potter totes should have a secret sister who was possessed by Voldermort when his curse rebounded off Harry until she fought off his evil influence and escaped to Hogwarts under a new identity given to her by Dumbledore. But what do I know?
Lately, I’ve noticed that old habits die hard and my mind has been wandering whilst the Child
binge watches watches an appropriate amount of CBeebies. I can’t help but think some shows would be improved with my input. So here are my top ten alternative characters I’d like to be in CBeebies’ programmes:
A former OFSTED inspector who sets up a childminders next door to Granny Murray and undercuts her prices by arranging a dodgy ‘off-the-back-of-a-lorry’ deal with Rudy, putting Murray out of business. She also gets pissed with Tina a lot because Tina looks like she needs a good heart-to-heart about why all the pink and what really is Raymond’s problem.
Show Me Show Me
A Father Jack type, who sits in an armchair and shouts ‘yer cock’ every time Chris or Pui say “show me show me”*.
Feminist campaigner who overthrows the patriarchy that has dictated that it is acceptable for male rabbits to cavort around in just an open jacket but female rabbits must wear full outfits in case we see a bit of rabbit frou frou. #freethefroufrou
Topsy and Tim
Neighbour from hell that gas lights Joy through the wall until she loses her shit at the school gates and Brian removes all access to scissors.
Andy’s Dinosaur Adventures
A grants officer from Arts Council England who comes to investigate reports that the Museum is claiming millions of pounds worth of public funds when it only ever puts up exhibits in one room. Constantly gets distracted by Andy’s bouncy hair, his general tallness and the fact he keeps disappearing.
Raa Raa the Noisy Lion
Grandpa in my Pocket
The ghost of Mrs Pepperpot author Alf Proysen who comes to demand his story premise back before going on a murderous, pastel-coloured, ice-cream fueled rampage.
Kate and Mim Mim
Depressive aunt who crushes Kate’s imagination by telling her stories of her heroin and prostitution filled teenage years before burying Mim Mim in a bizarre ritualistic ceremony.
Man from Head Office who comes to close down Greendale Post Office forcing Mrs Goggins into a desperately underfunded Council care home and leaving Pat picking up odd jobs for Ted who forces him to do them in just a pair of dirty dungarees.
Hmm, I think I’ll just keep that one to myself thank you very much.
*also quite a fun game to play when watching Show Me Show Me, although I only shout ‘yer cock’ in my head. I would never use that language in front of my daughter. Absolutely never no way uh-huh ever ever mister.