Last year my most popular post was the one celebrating awesome Disney Mums and giving them the credit they deserved. And so, in a desperate attempt to recapture the former glory of that post and avoid having to have an original thought for another week I’ve done what any good Hollywood film studio would do and written a sequel. This time though I’m focusing on the rubbish Disney parents, the ones that, at best, are condemning their child(ren) to a life in therapy and at worst need the social services calling pronto. Yes, I know we shouldn’t judge but when you really look at some of these it is impossible not to tut, shake your head sadly and mutter ‘in my day…’.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I’ve had to widen the net to include Dads because there aren’t actually that many Mums in Disney films, well not ones that survive anyway. There are a few theories as to why that’s the case, mainly to do with Walt Disney blaming himself for the death of his own parents, which is cheery.
Anyhoo, here is my list of the worst Disney parents of all time. Read it and feel better about your own parenting:
King Triton, The Little Mermaid
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in my almost 32 years of life it’s never trust a man with giant nipples and an even bigger gold fork. Good advice in K.T’s case. Even if you put aside his draconian rules, explosive temper and violent outbursts it is clear he is a massive xenophobe. What’s that Your Highness? You don’t like ALL humans because of something some occasionally do? Ok then. He is basically the guy down the pub who loves Nigel Farage as he’s a normal (he’s not), stand-up bloke (he’s not) who just tells it like it is (he doesn’t). Wanker.
King Agnarr anD Queen Idina, Frozen
A troll tells them fear is literally the worst thing for Elsa. They interpret this as – lock her up without any contact with the outside world and make her really really scared. Wtf? False imprisonment, emotional abuse and general idiocy. Need I go on?
Lord Tremaine, Cinderella
Coming Soon – A Lord’s Guide to Fatherhood
Step 1: When first wife dies, immediately marry the first woman you meet even if she is a bit shifty.
Step 2: Die.
Step 3: Leave beloved daughter in the clutches of said shifty woman without access to any sort of inheritance.
Step 4: Comb mustache.
I know Mazzer is not strictly a parent but she is in a position of authority, which she uses to convince her charges to take unspecified drugs, engage in underage gambling and cavort on rooftops without undertaking a risk assessment or obtaining parental consent. To make it worse, she does all this whilst being insufferably smug. Someone needs to tell her line manager…
Maurice, Beauty and the Beast
“Ffs, first I get chased by wolves and then I find myself imprisoned by a violent, mentally disturbed and hideous beast. I think he’s going to kill me. Oh, hello beloved daughter, of course you can take my place. No problem. Phew, that was a close one.”
Mufasa, The Lion King
What is the one thing all parents of toddlers know? They will do the exact opposite of what you tell them, including going to a top secret, very intriguing and totally out-of-bounds elephant graveyard. Dumbass.
Queen Arianna and King Frederic, Tangled
I’m pretty sure Kate and Wills don’t let Charlotte sleep by an open window above a conveniently place balcony. Talk about lax security. Also, how hard did they actually look for Rapunzel? She was in a pretty big tower that both a horse and an outlaw found very easily. And is it just me, or did the King and Queen look a little bit peeved when she turned up at the end? #conspiracy.
Sid’s Parents, Toy Story
Why is no one supervising this child with ready access to matches?
The King, Cinderella
Where does the King actually get off demanding his son gets married and has children straightaway? I mean honestly, chill the fuck out. It’s just bad parenting all round in this film.
King Fergus, Brave
STOP TRYING TO MARRY YOUR KIDS OFF AGAINST THEIR WILL YOU UTTER UTTER BASTARDS.