You may have noticed that it is the season of mince pies, Advocat and unwise snogging at the work Christmas party (not me obvs, I was virtually a child bride) and along with some Monday morning recriminations you often get roped into a Secret Santa. Now that’s fine if you end up picking the name of someone you actually like but if you get creepy Mike from Accounts (I’m sure they’re not always from Accounts but, well you know…) you’re screwed. So, the delightfully hilarious (and award-winning) Fran from Whinge Whinge Wine and I have compiled the following gift guide to help your yuletide shopping a little easier with our top ten secret Santa gifts for people you hate.
Oh and just so you know, most of these things are available on Amazon but I’m not going to link to them as I think they’re tax-dodging bastards but if you visit the post on Whinge Whinge Wine all the links are there.
1) Scrotum Stress Ball
Nothing says ‘you stress me out so much that I want to squeeze your scrotum until your eyes pop out’ than a scrotum shaped stress ball that hangs beneath your desk. If subtlety is more your thing then why not sneak into your arch-nemesis’ office/house/car and leave loads of these pendulous beauties suckered around for them to unexpectedly brush against. Some people say bullying, we say BANTER.
You can pre-order these fantastic pink suction stress balls here (not Amazon).
2) Duck with a Dick
Why? Why not? SO MANY REASONS, THAT’S WHY NOT.
3) Spud Life Personalised Potato
‘Ha ha, Alan you’re f*cking hilarious.’
And so the personalised potato was born and now you can tell Mike next door his breath stinks or Phillipa from the gym that she still owes you the £3.50 you lent her for a sandwich in 2012 in a non-confrontational and wacky way.
Why not buy enough to serve up for the whole family at Christmas dinner and tell everyone exactly what you think of them whilst you sup Prosecco in the kitchen like a boss?
I can’t think of a single reason why ANYONE reading this would not want to buy one.
4) Crafting with Cat Hair
So you got Linda, and the only thing you know about her is that she has 16 cats? Why not gift her this exciting book? You never know, she might make you one.
5) Go Girl Female Urination Aid
There’s always that one woman at work who, whenever volunteers are needed or extra work to be done, always disappears to the toilet. Well, with Go Girl you can now tell them to stay the f*ck where they are and piss in their coffee cup like a real worker.
6) Natural Harvest
What to get the hostess with the mostest, who like to regale you with boring tales about social events to which you are not invited? Why not get her a copy of this lovely book! Doesn’t that look like a totes delish creme caramel? Wait, hold on. What does that say? It’s very small so you might have to squint.
7) Smile Maker
Know someone with a face like a slapped arse? Then help them turn that frown upside down with the smile maker that, according to its Amazon description (which is littered with legal disclaimers just to fill you with confidence), stretches the muscles at the lip ends (wtf?). Apparently it’s great for “stewardesses, service jobs and people with expressionless faces” (is anyone else picturing a boiled egg with hair?) so sure to go down a treat with Dave, who everyone knows has had a really bad year but really will they just stop banging on about it for five minutes because it’s Christmas for f*ck’s sake.
Also, they’re only two quid. Bargain right?
8) Haribo Gummi Bears (sugar free)
Everyone loves sweets at Christmas, and who wouldn’t want this huge bag? Totally yummy! And if the receiver is generous then they might share with the whole office.
Except they’ll make you and everyone else that eats them shit themselves. Repeatedly.
9) Penis Mug
OMG I think you’re a massive bell-end and here’s the mug to prove it, complete with dubious wrinkle shading. Do you want creamer in that Sandra?
At under four quid, it’s a steal.
10) Asshole mug
Did you know, statistically, at least 34% of Secret Santa gifts are mugs? I mean, Fran made that up but it’s probably true, right? With such a wide range of really low-effort low-cost gifts available, it was hard to choose the best for this gift guide, but if the penis is too obvious for you, we quite like this slightly more subtle effort. If your Secret Santa is anonymous, it might just be five quid well spent.
So there you have it, possibly the greatest gift guide you’ll read this Christmas and I’m pretty sure the only one with a semen cookbook. Until next year, bon appetit. I mean Merry Christmas.