Ten Parenting Lies We Tell Ourselves

200_sIn my almost three years of parenting I’ve learnt that child-rearing mainly consists of cleaning up shit, wondering what to cook for dinner and lying. And it’s not just the lies you tell your kids – “oh sorry they just don’t make ice-cream on Wednesdays” – or the ones you tell other people – “yes of course Tarquin only ever watches TV as a very occasional treat” – but also the ones we tell ourselves.

Some are white lies that get us through the long days (and nights) and help us feel like we can totally nail parenting* and some are things we utter when we’re expecting and then once the little cherubs have burst forth into our lives we realise they were actually big stinking crocks of shit tied up with a falsification bow.

So in the spirit of this deception and deceit here are the top-ten lies we tell ourselves as parents. How could you?

1. My child doesn’t sleep because they’re clever.
I have no idea if this is true but it certainly makes me feel better at 2am and 3am and 4am. To be honest though I’d rather have a child that was stupid but asleep.

2. I will only drink at weekends.
Definitely true if Thursday and Monday count as the weekend. And sometimes Wednesdays and the occasional Tuesday when necessary.

3. I won’t eat that half masticated fish finger.
Although wasting food is pretty despicable and I haven’t really eaten anything since breakfast…

4. I won’t use the TV as a babysitter.
Except when I need to cook dinner or load the dishwasher or scream silently into a pillow.

5. I will never raise my voice in anger.

😂 😂 😂

6. I will never check Facebook when I could be playing with my child.
Although I really should read that article about Ryan Gosling and it would be rude not to comment on my cousin’s friend’s ex’s wedding photos and playing imaginary games with a two-year-old is mind-numbingly dull.

7. I won’t subject my child to humiliating spit and lick routine.
Listen, sometimes all that stands between me and the disapproving looks from an old lady in Tesco is some good old saliva on a scraggy tissue.

8. I will never use chocolate as a bribe
Let’s not think of it as a bribe, let’s think of it as a motivational tool to encourage positive behaviour. There I feel much better now.

9. I will never ever complain about my children
I will because sometimes kids are dicks.

10. I won’t be one of those parents that post endless pictures of my child on Facebook
This blog doesn’t count though right?

What do you think? Would you add any lies to this list?

*I think you are totally nailing parenting. In fact you’re freaking awesome. Have a biscuit you superstar

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24 Comments

  1. Edward

    Other parents will probably have lots to add to this list. I’ve never heard of the sleepless/clever thing. Theres probably a report about that out there somewhere #dreamteam

  2. bigbabybelly

    I will always put on proper clothes to drop my child at nursery, I will never co-sleep, I will never swear in front of my children, I will never let them watch Baby TV on my iPhone in the pub, I will never take my child to the pub…! #familyfun

  3. twotinyhands

    Oh I’ve done the shouty at him thing. Made me feel bad as he’s just a baby! I wish he would sleep… He’s a pure genius!! Thanks for linking up to #familyfun

  4. I love this list! I had a giggle – I am guilty of doing most ha. I would hate it when my mum done the spit and lick but I have been guilty of it! It also makes me feel a little sick thinking of the half cold food I have finished from their plates – why?! #familyfun

  5. Yeaaaah I’m pretty sure I am guilty of all of these!! I was Certainly not going to shout, give chocolate or shove them in front of the telly. Massive lies as I do all of them, daily! But I now firmly believe, whatever gets you through the day – or night! Brilliant post thank you for sharing it at #familyfun xx

  6. min1980

    Apart from the fact that I genuinely never raise my voice (and my mother berates me for “not being strict enough,” “allowing him to run riot,” etc, etc on a daily basis, so either way you cannot win) I have done every single one of these. I reckon our kids will be OK though. #FamilyFun

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