Regular readers of this blog will know that I don’t often get serious but this week something was brought to my attention that I just couldn’t stay silent about; an epidemic that is sweeping the parenting community across the world. A condition so severe it is threatening the very future of our planet and the people within it. You may not have heard of this infliction but you will almost certainly have encountered someone who is experiencing it. Hell you may even be suffering from it yourself.
But what is this disease that has got me so concerned? Known in Latin as Parente Excludere Nihil Ingenium Syndrome, this alarmingly common disorder manifests itself as complete humour loss as a result of parenthood. First identified by Dr Van Weiner in 1972 very little is still known about the exact cause of PENIS but the consequences can be dire. It doesn’t discriminate; it doesn’t care about race, gender, sexuality, religion or anything else and it can strike without warning.
Imagine never being able to take a joke? Never being able to identify sarcasm in the written word? Being physically unable to click through and read a whole article on social media but instead find yourself compelled to write an inaccurate, patronising and quite frankly bizarre comment? And what makes it worse is that its sufferers, nay victims, are completely incapable of recognising that they have PENIS.
There is no known cure but I am determined to raise awareness of this condition and money to fund research into a PENIS cure. I’ve already got my best boys involved. Jamie Oliver is writing a rap. Chris Martin is putting together a black and white film with flashcards using Coldplay’s Fix You as soundtrack. And Graham Norton is on standby for our televised Christmas telethon.
But I can’t change things alone so I’m imploring you, bloggers and blog readers of the world please get behind this PENIS campaign. Share this blog, tweet using #togetheragainstPENIS or write about your own PENIS experience. Together we can create a web of understanding, support and one day a cure for this truly terrible disease.
Peace, love and good humour friends. May we never take it for granted again.