What Would Your Parenting Out-of-Office Say?

I don’t know about you but I find there is something so satisfying about putting your out of office on. It’s a like a great big “I don’t care so get lost” to anyone who contacts you, especially if you can push their query off on someone else. But when I was setting my out-of-office before the Bank Holiday weekend, I thought how amazing it would be if you could set an out of office as a parent. How nice would it be to just shut down those endless, ridiculous queries our kids bombard us with on a daily basis, especially when we least want to be disturbed?

So here are my top ten out-of-office messages I wish I could set for when I need to take some annual leave from parenting

1. After bedtime
The office is now closed so I am unable to deal with your request for a drink/ the toilet/ that toy you lost on holiday 8 months ago until it reopens at 7am tomorrow. If your message is urgent please call your dad.

2. Loo break
I am currently away from my desk as I needed to pee, eat a Twix and check Facebook on my phone but I will respond to your inane questions as soon as possible. Your patience is appreciated. I SAID ,YOUR PATIENCE IS APPRECIATED.

3. Dinnertime
If your message concerns the contents of your dinner please forward your enquiry to idontgiveashit@juststarvethen.com.

Where’s that out-of-office when you need it?

4. Soft Play
My senses are currently on annual leave. If you require immediate assistance you will find me huddled over a lukewarm cup of weak tea and gently rocking in the corner.

5. Swimming
I am unable to deal with your enquiry as I’m crouched down painfully in calf-deep and suspiciously warm water wondering what the hell I did to deserve this on a Saturday morning. Please note if you shit in the pool your account will be disabled.

6. Long-haul flight
Unfortunately I’m not at my desk at the moment but if you redirect your enquiry to that tutting woman in seat 15F she’ll be happy to help.

7. Catching-up on Great British Bake Off
I am not able to deal with your nonsensical enquiry at the moment as I am quietly judging a middle-aged woman on her unevenly baked biscuits.

8. Writing a blog
Thank you for your enquiry. I am currently trying to write a witty blog about parenting and am unable to parent. Please pose for an Instagram worthy photo and go away.

9. Cup of Tea
I am away from my desk for the next ten minutes as I try to enjoy a twice microwaved cup-of-tea. I know your enquiry is not urgent so please leave me alone.

10. Rare Night out
Please note this account is no longer being monitored.

This was first published by Huffington Post on 5th September. You’re more than welcome to give it some love here.

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  1. Haha this is really brilliant. Wouldn’t that just be bliss to be able to put your parenting out of office on sometimes. I fear my blogging out of office would be too frequent and the after hours 7pm night time deadline too. I think I would also perhaps use in response to the whinges for muuuummmmy 20 billion times a day – sorry mummy is unavailable right now. If your equiry is urgent please contact daddy in my absence. Great post, thanks for sharing it at #familyfun. Hope you can come back again next week xx

  2. Haha. For that rare night out mine would be “I am currently drinking all of the wine and therefore making the most of having no one hanging off me while asking but “Why” Therefore you will have to excuse me as I am getting very tiddly. Also don’t rink back tomorrow as I will be dealing with the hangover from hell due to the fact I am now a complete lightweight” Thank you for calling PS I apologise if I ring later to tell you that “I weeeeeely LOVE YOU” #KCACOLS

  3. rightroyalmother

    Oh, YES. My favourite is the loo break one – we have only one loo in our house and I feel as if I am constantly ‘on show’ (nice). And I love Twixes – you’ve made me want one now… #eatsleepblogRT

  4. This did make me chuckle – if only this was actually possible!!! My standard response for things I don’t want to deal with is always to “go and ask daddy” or “daddy will know!” hahaa

    Thank you for linking up to #KCACOLS I hope to see you back again on Sunday.

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