For some it tastes sweet, for others it is a dish best served cold but for me revenge is going to be served up in 2066, when I make my monthly visit to see the Child as an 81 year old. This is the top ten ways I’ll be getting my own back, Dave Benson-Phillips style, albeit with less gunge.
1. Randomly punching her in the ear and when she gets mad telling her I love her.
2. Insisting she hold me whilst simultaneously shouting “don’t touch me”.
3. Shitting myself. Repeatedly. Sometimes in the bath.
4. Waking her up at 4am, screaming in her face for an hour before vomiting and passing out.
5. Choosing a really rubbish film and making her watch it every day for three weeks.
6. Pronouncing ‘fork’ like ‘fuck’ and screaming “I wanna fork” every time we leave the John Lewis café.
7. Asking her what’s she doing every five seconds.
8. Fixating on the one time she broke something of mine and telling everyone and anyone about it over and over again for at least six months/ six years/ until I die.
9. Running through a very quiet art gallery shouting “boobies” and “bum” at all the nudie paintings.
10. Voting to leave a politico-economic union of countries that has given us access to global markets, provided billions of pounds worth of investment in the regeneration of disadvantaged communities and helped staff our most vital services.*
10. Painting her cat yellow.
Am I being unfair or do you have a couple of your own revenge plans that you’d like to add to this list?
* I jest. I’m totally over Brexit. Honestly, I’m fine. We’ll all be fine.
A version of this post appeared on You Have To Laugh in January 2017